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The one that got away?

In college I was in a small tight-knit group of friends. One friend in particular was vastly different from the rest of us. Let’s call this friend J. J wore retro-style clothing and listened to music like The Smiths, She & Him, well…that’s all I can remember. But J wouldn’t have normally fit in with our group of friends for being so vastly different. I found myself fixated on J’s confidence and choosing to be freely themselves. I think I realized that I may have loved J. I’ll never know. J and I would not have worked then, or so I thought because we were both of the same sex and at the time I wasn’t ready to accept that. Not to mention, I wasn’t even sure if J would entertain the notion. We would swap stories of exploits with the opposite sex and how we both liked a set of best friends.

J left the school I attended, and I did shortly after due to financial issues. J and I wrote once or twice to one another but it seemed our friendship dwindled. I of course was enormously devastated. If I couldn’t be with J, at least we could be friends? It wasn’t in the cards I guess. A few years later I learned that J married and was living very happily with a partner of the same sex. I always wonder “what if” now. Nonetheless, I am glad that J is happy because that’s what J deserves. I am inspired by all of the confidence of those both younger and older than me who find love in their truest form. I think I’m getting there too.